Superheroes from the Indian Road Universe - the Sequel!

Hollywood-style teaser-trailer. Dramatic voiceover accompanied by dark, foreboding visuals of a world at the edge of collapse:

Never before has the world seen danger like this. All around there is chaos and madness. Lives are at stake. Roads and highways are war zones, maiming people and taking away lives.

The terrible trio from India are wreaking havoc all around. The Oncomer: he’s coming against you! The Horner: he’s honking your brains out! Screenivas has taken on a deadlier persona… He is now Guerilla Glazz! There is no hope left. Unless…

Screen goes dark, with these words coming up in bright red, accompanied by an orchestral crescendo that abruptly stops: …unless a few unlikely heroes emerge to save us all… Coming soon to a road near you.

Scratching your head, wondering what’s going on? Well, it looks like you missed the first part of this column, which recommended that the worn-out Marvel Cinematic Universe take inspiration from the Indian Road Universe. The IRU has better believable characters than the MCU and the sad bit is that the world hasn’t even had a glimpse of their mind-numbing superpowers. I outdid Stan Lee last month by creating three fine examples of supervillains (and their alter egos) from the Indian Road Universe: The Oncomer aka Sikander Fate! The Horner aka Awaaz Bahadur! Aaand… Trinetra Kalakar aka Screenivas transmogrifying into the fearsome Guerilla Glazz!

The best thing about the IRU is that many more amazing characters inhabit it – that’s obvious, given India’s teeming masses and the unique superpowers that suddenly manifest the moment they are behind the handlebar or the wheel. For example, some individuals sprout chest hairs while driving around in a white SUV with dark-tinted glass. While others, who have barely developed chin hair, can fly a few inches off the ground on a 100cc putterette with two more of their chin hair-less friends riding pillion. Amazing.

But these are lesser superpowers. We’re here for the heroic ones with super superpowers… Quick, grab a popcorn! (On second thoughts, don’t. At ₹420 for 90gm of salted popcorn in a regular-size tub at your nearest movie theatre chain, it works out to over ₹4,600 a kilo – that’s substantially more expensive than, um, 4 litres of an exquisitely engineered synthetic oil or maybe a half-decent full-face helmet… Just saying.)

BHOLA BHARAT aka THE WALKMAN

Superpower: Bhola Bharat has the ability to turn invisible – only while walking, hence his superhero name, the Walkman (not to be confused with a legendary 1980s electronic device). Policemen don’t see him, vehicle drivers and riders can’t see him, municipality officials in charge of keeping pavements unencumbered can’t see him, road planners who design stuff like pavements and road crossings also cannot see him, the electric company in charge of streetlights can’t see him… Heck, even in close quarters, the dog walkers who make their posh wards do potty on the road can’t see him.

Bonus superpower: The Walkman could have won Gold for India in the Olympics in many athletic categories, like 100/200-metre sprint, steeplechase and hurdles, and during the monsoon, high jump, long jump and triple jump. But he can’t because he is… invisible!

Backstory: Once Bhola was easily visible to everyone – he was especially unmissable when it was time to file income tax returns, fill bank KYC forms, during auspicious Diwali baksheesh days and even during election time. It was a transformative day for Bhola when a two-wheeler rider on the pavement shouted at him for walking on the pavement and blocking his way. That was the day he decided to turn invisible and become the Walkman.

Appearance: Like any of the 27% of Mumbai commuters who walk to work, unlike the 8% that use cars and the 7% on two-wheelers.

Signature dialogue: None; because his voice is very feeble.

VALLY ROSY aka ATGATT

Superpower: Vally Rosy is an inspired biker. When he gets on a motorcycle, he is fully kitted – full-face helmet, riding jacket, riding boots, the works! No ride is too small for ATGATT, which stands for ‘All The Gear All The Time’ if you have not guessed. Remarkable superpower for being one in a billion in the world’s largest two-wheeler market, and that too, given India’s phenomenal weather and ambient conditions. Legend has it that he is not fully human, but half-man, half-bike.

Bonus superpower: He can recite all of Valentino Rossi’s achievements. And has a penchant for official Valentino Rossi gear and merchandise, from the helmet right down to the keychain.

Backstory: Vally was a conscientious child, always obeying the rules. At an impressionable age, he observed that the lives of a massive number of two-wheeler riders were being snuffed out on Indian roads. He decided that the only way to not become a statistic like them was to show he was different sort of biker: hence, the rules and the gear. A true inspiration.

Appearance: The number 46 appears everywhere around ATGATT physically and digitally – like an e-mail ID or Insta handle, for example.

Signature dialogue: I race to win (spoken with a strong Italian accent).

Also Read: Why I'm Giving up on Telling People That Wrong Side Driving is Wrong and Dangerous!

Do you know of any characters from the Indian Road Universe? Let me know, we can make another sequel!